“They get me.”
That’s the moment when real leadership begins - especially when you’re not the one in charge.
Whether you’re a team lead without formal authority, a staff engineer influencing across teams, or a newly promoted manager still finding your footing, one truth remains: people don’t follow titles they follow trust.
So how do you lead when the org chart doesn’t back you up?
Start with Empathy
Leading without authority is less about pushing your ideas, and more about creating a space where others want to listen. And that starts with empathy.
Empathy is not about agreeing with someone. It’s about genuinely understanding their world - how they see things, what they value, what they fear, and what they need.
When someone thinks, “They get me,” they’re not reacting to your status. They’re responding to your presence.
How Do You Build That Trust?
Trust doesn’t come from charisma or cleverness. It’s built moment-by-moment through how you show up in conversation. Here are three practical ways:
1. Active Listening
Let go of the urge to fix, correct, or steer. Instead, listen with curiosity. Ask yourself:
- What’s important to this person?
- What are they not saying?
- What’s underneath their words?
A great test: if you can summarise their view in their words and they say, “Exactly,” — you’re on the right track.
2. Mirror to Build Rapport
Humans are wired for connection. One of the fastest ways to build trust is to match their language and energy.
Subtle cues matter:
- If they’re fast-paced, avoid slowing things down too much.
- If they’re detail-focused, give structure and specifics.
- Match tone, posture, even word choice. (But do it authentically - it’s not mimicry, it’s tuning in.)
3. Understand Their Personality Type (DISC Framework)
Different people want different things from a conversation. A one-size-fits-all approach won’t cut it.
Here’s a quick cheat sheet using DISC:
- D – Dominance: They want key facts, quick takeaways, and clear direction. Get to the point.
- I – Influence: They love stories, emotion, and enthusiasm. Paint a vision and make it human.
- S – Steadiness: They value safety and predictability. Show them how this fits into the status quo or supports others.
- C – Conscientiousness: They want evidence, process, and accuracy. Respect their need for structure and logic.
Recognising this lets you speak their language which makes your message land without friction.
Leadership Isn’t About Control
Real leadership is relational, not positional.
When people feel seen, heard, and understood they collaborate. They trust you, even if they don’t “report” to you.
If you want to lead without authority, start by building trust through empathy.
Because when someone thinks, “They get me,” they’re far more likely to follow your lead.
Want to explore your own leadership style?
I offer coaching for first-time managers, tech leads, and professionals navigating influence without authority. Book for a a free, no obligation 15 mins consultation.